7 Ways The Love Languages Can Improve Your Relationships
Published By Justin Baksh, LMHC, MCAP
July 19, 2024
In The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts, Dr. Gary Chapman succinctly introduces the core idea of his book with the following quote: “My conclusion after 30 years of marriage counseling is that there are basically five emotional love languages—five ways that people speak and understand emotional love.” According to Chapman, people have distinct ways of expressing and interpreting love, and understanding these can greatly enhance how partners relate to one another.
What are the Five Love Languages?
Each love language can be expressed in various relationships, helping to strengthen bonds and communicate care in ways that are most meaningful to the people involved.
Words of Affirmation
These people tend to express affection verbally with words of praise, or appreciation. People who favor this language feel loved when they receive verbal support or affirmations. A few examples of this love language in action might include:
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A friend texting you before a big presentation to say, “You’ve got this! Your ideas are always so insightful.”
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A parent telling their child after a piano recital, “I’m so proud of you for your hard work and how beautifully you played!”
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One partner saying to the other, “I really appreciate how you handled that situation. You’re so thoughtful.”
Acts of Service
For service-oriented people, actions speak louder than words. They prefer gestures like cooking a meal or taking on a chore, viewing them as acts of kindness and care. Examples of what this looks like in the real world are:
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An older brother or sister helping a younger sibling with homework, taking the time to explain difficult concepts and ensuring they understand.
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A neighbor noticing you’re out of town and taking it upon themselves to water your outdoor plants and collecting your mail.
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A coworker seeing that you’re overwhelmed with work and offering to take some of your tasks, helping you meet your deadlines.
Receiving Gifts
This love language is about demonstrating love and affection with material items. For people who resonate with this language, gifts are a visual and tangible token of love and thoughtfulness. This love language in action might look like:
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A friend sending you a book that you mentioned wanting to read during a previous conversation, just to show they were listening.
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On your anniversary, your partner giving you a custom piece of jewelry that includes stones representing each member of your family.
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A parent giving their child a small toy or treat after the child had a challenging day, as a gesture to cheer them up.
Quality Time
This involves spending meaningful time together with undivided attention. People who have this love language value active listening, eye contact, and full presence. Expressing love by giving time to be present can be:
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A grandparent setting aside one day a week to go fishing with their grandchild, making it a special time to share stories and teach skills.
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A couple making a routine of having a weekly date night where they focus solely on each other, away from the distractions of everyday life.
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A group of friends scheduling a regular video call to stay connected, ensuring they can catch up and maintain their bond despite living in different locations.
Physical Touch
This language includes expressions of love through physical touch, such as kissing, holding hands, or cuddling. For these people, touch provides a powerful sense of connection and love, for example:
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A couple holding hands while walking through a park, reinforcing their connection and comfort with each other.
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A parent hugs their child after a long day, offering comfort and reassurance through their presence and touch.
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A warm, embracing hug between long-time friends when they meet after a long period apart, expressing their joy and affection.
Are Love Languages For Real? A Scientific Perspective
“Our findings suggest that people who better match each other’s preferences for LLs [love languages] are more satisfied with their relationships and sexual life. Moreover, it appears that satisfying the needs of one’s partner has at least as strong an impact on the individual’s perceptions of relationship quality as receiving expression of love in the desired ways does… Learning to recognize and react to one’s partners love needs may be an important skill for building relationship satisfaction in both partners.”
-Mostova, O., Stolarski, M., Matthews, G. (2022) I love the way you love me: Responding to partner’s love languages preferences boosts satisfaction in romantic heterosexual couples, PLOS ONE, 17(6), E0269429
The concept of love languages is popular and widely adopted in therapeutic and personal development contexts. While its roots spring from anecdotal observations than from empirical scientific research, at least one recent study showed support for the hypothesis of love languages.
Origins and Development
Dr. Chapman developed the theory of love languages based on his experiences as a marriage counselor, noticing patterns in how his clients expressed and experienced love.
One of the primary critiques from a scientific standpoint is the lack of rigorous empirical studies to validate the theory. The categorization of the five love languages did not originate from statistical data or experimental research, but rather on anecdotal evidence. Because of this, it was thought that this theory might not hold under the scrutiny of controlled psychological or sociological studies that seek to generalize findings across diverse populations. One recent study, however, has shown support for the love languages framework.
Psychological and Relationship Research
In relationship psychology, constructs similar to love languages are studied under various lenses, such as attachment theory, communication styles, and emotional intelligence. While these studies provide insights into how individuals interact in relationships, they tend to be more nuanced and complex than the love languages framework. For instance, attachment theory examines how early childhood experiences influence relational patterns, which might encompass but are not limited to the behaviors described by love languages.
Utility vs. Validity
From a practical standpoint, many therapists and counselors find the concept of love languages useful as a tool for fostering communication between partners. It simplifies the discussion around needs and expectations, which can be particularly beneficial in counseling settings. However, this utility does not equate to scientific validity, although it may in the future, with one positive research study under its belt. In the meantime, the framework serves as a useful way to think about relationship dynamics.
Current & Potential Future Research
In addition to the 2022 study showing a relationship between love language mismatches and relationship dissatisfaction, there is potential for more to be conducted. Research should involving quantitative measures to assess the impact of expressing and receiving love in the specific languages on relationship satisfaction, longevity, and emotional wellbeing would be a welcome addition. Such studies may further substantiate the extent to which love languages can be reliably used as predictors of relationship success or as interventions in therapeutic settings.
How the Love Languages Can Improve Relationships
“I strongly believe that each of us have a love language we speak, and we might have multiple secondary languages, too. Has it helped me? Of course yes. My wife’s love language is quality time. No matter how many gifts I purchase, how much time I stay at home, or any other language I speak, she can’t connect. But, when I begin to spend quality time with her by giving her undue attention and respond to her communication effectively, she’ll be very happy and feels that the relationship is strong.”
-Ian Carter, Helping Children, Do you believe in love languages and has it actually helped your relationship?, Quora.com
The concept of love languages holds significant therapeutic value and is widely used in counseling and relationship therapy. Here’s an exploration of its practical applications and benefits.
7 Ways the Love Languages Can Improve Relationships
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Enhancing Communication: One of the most direct applications of love languages in therapy is the facilitation of improved communication between partners. By identifying and discussing each person’s primary love language, couples can better articulate their needs and expectations. This fosters a clearer understanding and can prevent miscommunications and conflicts that arise from unmet emotional needs.
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Promoting Empathy: Understanding a partner’s love language can lead to greater empathy. When individuals recognize how their partners express and receive love, they are more likely to appreciate the intent behind specific actions or words, even if those are not their primary love languages. This can reduce feelings of neglect or misunderstanding in relationships.
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Individualized Expressions of Love: Love languages encourage people to tailor their expressions of love to the specific preferences of their partners. For example, if a person knows their partner values quality time more than gifts, they might choose to prioritize regular date nights over buying presents. This personalized approach can make expressions of love more meaningful and effective.
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Conflict Resolution: In therapeutic settings, understanding love languages can be very helpful in resolving conflicts. Counselors might use love languages to help couples understand the root of their discontent. For instance, if one partner feels unloved because they value words of affirmation and the other rarely verbalizes their affection, simply highlighting this discrepancy can lead to profound insights and behavioral changes.
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Reinforcing Positive Relationship Dynamics: Love languages can help reinforce and enhance positive interactions within a relationship. By encouraging partners to regularly engage in behaviors that align with each other’s love languages, therapists can help build a more stable and satisfying relationship dynamic. This practice can support the overall health of the relationship, leading to stability and longevity.
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Adaptability Across Different Types of Relationships: While often used in the context of romantic relationships, the concept of love languages is adaptable to various types of interpersonal relationships, including family dynamics, friendships, and even professional relationships. Understanding how to express appreciation and support effectively can enhance interpersonal dynamics across a broad spectrum of contexts.
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Educational Tool in Therapy: For therapists, love languages provide a straightforward and accessible model to discuss complex emotional needs and behaviors. It can be a starting point for deeper explorations into personal histories, attachment styles, and communication patterns. It’s also a relatable framework that clients can easily understand and apply outside the therapeutic setting.
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Impett, E. A., Haeyoung Gideon Park, & Muise, A. (2024). Popular Psychology Through a Scientific Lens: Evaluating Love Languages From a Relationship Science Perspective. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 33(2).
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Mostova, O., Stolarski, M., & Matthews, G. (2022). I love the way you love me: Responding to partner’s love language preferences boosts satisfaction in romantic heterosexual couples. PLOS ONE, 17(6), e0269429.
