Why Do People Ghost? The Psychology of Ghosting
Published By Justin Baksh, LMHC, MCAP
August 2, 2024
Alex and Jordan met through a dating app and went on a few dates over the course of a month. They seemed to connect well, exchanging messages every day and sharing personal stories. However, after what appeared to be a successful fourth date, Jordan suddenly stopped responding to Alex’s texts and calls without any explanation. Alex was left wondering if something she said or did might have been the cause, but, with no replies from Jordan, there was no way to know for sure.
Maria and Ellie have been close friends since high school, talking often and sharing in each other’s lives. They kept in touch, even after moving to opposite coasts for work. Recently, Maria noticed that Ellie hadn’t responded to her last few attempts to catch up over the phone and had even stopped liking or commenting on her social media posts. After repeated tries with no response, Maria felt abandoned and puzzled about what could have gone wrong.
Kevin and Lee met in an online gaming community and quickly became good friends, bonding over their shared interest in strategy games. They spent hours playing together online and chatting about life. Unexpectedly, Lee stopped logging on and didn’t reply to Kevin’s messages. Kevin, having only Lee’s online contact information, struggled to reach out in other ways and felt left in the dark about why Lee vanished.
Alex, Maria and Kevin have all been “ghosted”.
What is Ghosting?
Ghosting is the act of suddenly ceasing all communication with someone without explanation, leading the other party to deduce their own conclusions about the end of the relationship. It can occur across various interpersonal contexts, including romantic relationships, friendships, online interactions, and in workplaces. The sudden silence can leave the ghosted individual feeling confused, hurt, and often with unresolved questions. Unfortunately, it is a fairly common experience, with 30 percent of US adults admitting to having ghosting a romantic partner, and an additional nine percent saying they “don’t know” if they have.
Ghosting in the Workplace
“‘Putting in two week notice in a toxic work environment, where you’re being overworked, underpaid or disrespected in anyway, only leaves you vulnerable to more gaslighting and mistreatment from your boss for another two weeks.’ Jordan Howlett, a 25-year-old in Oceanside, California, told The Post. He left a job as a waiter in April 2020 and has since become a full-time lifestyle content creator. On TikTok, he scored over 14.3 million views with a video extolling the virtues of giving no notice.”
-Asia Grace, Why Gen Z Quitters Aren’t Bothering to Give Two Weeks Notice, New York Post
In the workplace, it is much more rampant, with 78 percent of jobseekers admitting to having ghosted a potential employer and 62 percent planning to do so in the future. In addition, one in four people have left a job with no notice and no explanation.
For their part, employers also ghost, with four out of 10 employment candidates saying that they were ghosted after two or three interviews in 2023. While nearly nine out of 10, or 85 percent, of employers stated that job seekers “should never” ghost a potential employer, nearly four out of 10 those surveyed at employing organizations admitting they had done so in the past to other employers, according to a LinkedIn survey.
How Does Being Ghosting Affect You? Implications of Ghosting for the Ghosted Person
“I’ve been trying to get back into dating/making new friends lately, trying to push myself back out there. And I gotta say, ghosting is a real blow to the self esteem. I can be having a lovely conversation, and I think oh cool, maybe I made a new friend, or maybe this could lead to a potential relationship, then boom. Ghosted. And it sucks because I end up getting emotional over it, and I feel foolish about it because it happens and it’s not something to be so bothered by. Like, I’m pretty stone-faced when I’m upset, most things I can just shrug off, no problem. But stuff like this cuts weirdly deep, ya know?“
–parthaenus9556, Dating Advice, Reddit.com
Ghosting can have profound emotional and psychological implications for those people who are on the receiving end. The abrupt and unexplained nature of ghosting leaves them without closure, which can trigger a cascade of negative emotions and thoughts.
Emotional Distress and Confusion
The sudden disappearance of someone with whom there was ongoing interaction can be shocking and confusing. The lack of closure can lead to persistent wonder about what went wrong. Individuals may question their own behavior, doubt their self-worth, and feel a general sense of bewilderment.
Anxiety and Insecurity
Being ghosted can increase anxiety, particularly in forming and maintaining new relationships. The unpredictability witnessed in being ghosted may lead to fears that other important people in one’s life could also suddenly leave. This can make it hard to trust people and may cause anxiety in existing and new relationships.
Low Self-Esteem and Self-Doubt
When ghosted, individuals often internalize the rejection, questioning their own value and worth. They may obsess over perceived flaws or replay interactions, wondering how they could have behaved differently. This can lead to a significant dip in self-esteem.
Depression and Isolation
The feelings of rejection and isolation following being ghosted can contribute to depressive symptoms. Individuals might withdraw from social situations to avoid further hurt, leading to a cycle of isolation and increased sadness.
Impact on Social Behavior
Experiencing ghosting can alter how someone engages socially. They might become more withdrawn, cautious, or overly appeasing in social interactions to avoid potential rejection. Alternatively, some might become more aggressive or confrontational, seeking explicit confirmations of interest from others to counteract fears of abandonment.
Difficulty Moving On
Without clear communication about the reasons behind a relationship’s end, moving on can be challenging. The ghosted individual might hold on to hope that the ghoster will return or struggle to accept the end of the relationship. This unresolved emotional turmoil can get in the way of personal development and the ability to establish new, healthy relationships.
Questioning Reality
Ghosting can lead to what is known as gaslighting, where the lack of acknowledgment makes a person question their perceptions and reality. The ghosted person might wonder if the relationship was as meaningful as they perceived it to be. This can lead to cognitive dissonance, an uneasy feeling you get when you believe two opposite things at the same time.
Why Do People Ghost? Is Ghosting a Sign of Mental Illness?
“I just want to say that ghosting sucks and I want to remind everyone that no one can read your mind. I get it, something happens and you just don’t like the person you’re talking to anymore. So you just pull back and you stop responding and we get it, but we think.. “hey maybe he’s/she’s just busy” and the responses get shorter and spaced out longer until you just stop responding all together. It hurts, it sucks. I just beg you to remember that and if you can, please give the other person closure and tell them as much of the truth as you can. I will say this that I have done it to a couple people and I will never do it again because this last time I got ghosted, it hurt really bad and he made me believe that I still had a chance and never told me the truth so I tore myself up when I should have moved on, but I wish he would have used one of the times I asked for communication and honesty to just tell me he wasn’t interested anymore.“
–LapisLazuli08, Let’s All Agree Ghosting Sucks, Reddit.com
Ghosting, in and of itself, is generally not considered a sign of mental illness. However, it’s important to consider the bigger picture of a person’s behaviors and emotional states. If ghosting is part of a pattern of avoidance, withdrawal, or dysfunctional interpersonal relations, it may indicate an underlying mental health issue. Understanding the reasons behind someone’s decision to ghost can provide deeper insights into their emotional and mental wellbeing. In cases where mental illness might be involved, compassionate and professional support can be crucial.
Some circumstances where mental health challenges might lead someone to ghost others include:
Anxiety Disorders
People with severe anxiety might find interactions so overwhelming that they see ghosting as the only escape. The stress of confrontations or even ongoing communications can feel insurmountable.
Depressive Disorders
Those experiencing major depression may withdraw from relationships and social interactions, which can appear as ghosting. They may lack the energy or emotional capacity to convey their feelings or explain their intentions.
Personality Disorders
For example, those with avoidant personality disorder might ghost others as a way to avoid perceived or real rejection. They may have extreme shyness or sensitivity to criticism, leading them to cut off communication suddenly.
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
Individuals with PTSD might ghost as a protective measure if certain interactions trigger memories or feelings related to past traumas. Here, ghosting is a coping mechanism to manage distress.
Common Reasons Why People Ghost
“You have to accept that ghosting isn’t personal – it’s the ghoster that has issues“
–Anonymous, Being Ghosted Sucks, Reddit.com
Mental illness aside, people choose to ghost for a wide variety of reasons. Here are some of the most common ones.
Fear of Confrontation
Many people find direct confrontation or uncomfortable conversations stressful. They may prefer ghosting as a way to avoid the anxiety associated with discussing feelings, breaking off relationships, or dealing with conflict.
Overwhelm and Emotional Overload
People may feel overwhelmed by the emotional demands of a relationship. If they perceive the interaction as too intense or draining, they might ghost to protect their emotional well-being without considering the impact on the other person.
Desire for an Easy Exit
In some cases, people choose ghosting because it seems like the simplest way to end a relationship—requiring no explanation or interaction. This can be particularly tempting in low-investment relationships, such as those formed online or those that have not developed deeply.
Lack of Maturity
Ghosting can reflect a lack of emotional maturity and responsibility. Some individuals may not have developed the skills necessary to handle relationships appropriately and respectfully, leading them to opt for ghosting instead of a more mature closure.
Cultural and Social Influences
The norms and behaviors within a person’s social or cultural environment can influence their decision to ghost. In some social circles or communities, ghosting might be a more accepted or common practice, especially in the realm of online dating.
Past Traumas or Bad Experiences
Previous negative experiences in relationships can lead someone to ghost others. For example, if past confrontations have led to hostile or painful outcomes, a person might choose to avoid any form of confrontation in future interactions.
Digital Communication Culture
The rise of digital communication has made relationships feel more transient and less personal for some. It’s so simple to block or ignore someone on social media platforms that it can make ghosting appear as an acceptable option.
Self-Protection
In some instances, people might ghost as a form of self-protection against perceived threats, whether emotional or physical. In relationships where they feel uncomfortable or unsafe, this can seem like a way out.
Lack of Interest or Investment
Sometimes, people ghost simply because they are not as interested or invested in the relationship as the other person. Rather than addressing this lack of interest directly, they choose to disappear, hoping the other party will get the hint.
How to Deal with Being Ghosted
8 Ways to Deal With Ghosting
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Acknowledge Your Feelings: You may feel frustration, sadness, confusion and many other emotions if you’re ghosted. These feelings are all normal, so don’t judge yourself.
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Seek Support: Friends, family, or a counselor can offer you empathy and insight. Talking to someone you trust can be very helpful in these situations.
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Don’t Blame Yourself: Keep in mind that ghosting reflects more on the other person’s struggle to deal with challenging situations than on your value or personality.
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Focus on Self-Care: Things that bring you joy and support your well-being are helpful in shifting your attention off of the ghosting experience.
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Set Boundaries in Future Relationships: Learn from the experience and consider setting clearer communication expectations with future partners or friends.
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Reflect on the Relationship: Think about any signs that might have indicated this outcome. Understanding these can help in managing future relationships.
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Move On When Ready: It’s important to grieve the loss of the relationship, but you can also work towards letting go and moving forward.
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Stay Open to New Relationships: Don’t let this experience prevent you from seeking new connections. Not everyone will ghost, and many value honest communication.
Handling ghosting with resilience and self-compassion can not only help you recover from the immediate hurt but also strengthen your approach to future interpersonal dynamics.
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Grace, A. (2023, January 12). Why Gen Z quitters aren’t bothering to give two weeks notice. New York Post.
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Have you ever “ghosted” someone (abruptly cut off all contact with a romantic partner or friend without explaining why you were doing so)? | Daily Question. (n.d.). tgoday.yougov.com.
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Iacurci, G. (2024, February 29). “Ghosting” gets more common in the job market: It’s not a “passing fad,” report says. CNBC.
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Indeed for Employers. (ND). When candidates and recruiters vanish: Indeed’s Ghosting in Hiring Report, Indeed.com/Lead.
